A GOOD RANT
melhgriff

Tuesday 29/07/2014 17:24
Category: Health & Safety

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Why People with Untreated ADHD Need to Stay Single!

OK. Here we go. I don’t know if anyone else will ever actually read this post or not, but I have got to get it off my chest or I feel like I am going to explode. I don’t know if I will feel completely better after typing this, but the internet is the only outlet I have to rant about my marriage problems without being judged, offered useless advice, or having to worry about what others think about us.

 

First off, the only bigger idiot than my husband is me because I picked him despite the odds. When you hear what I have to say, keep in mind that we are not kids. I am 30 and he is 40. The only thing saving us is our mutual interest in spiritual things, and we are not passive churchgoers who are saintly for an hour every Sunday and then raise heck the rest of the week, but we really do endeavor to apply what we learn by reading the Bible. We were married a few months ago and dated for less than a year before that. Right now, the honeymoon is over and I want to put the boxing gloves on and go upside his head a few times.

 

It is difficult to explain the most recent stupid thing he did because it involved other things before that. I’m not sure where to start, but let’s start on Sunday (today is Tuesday of the same week). We made plans to go over my friend’s house for dinner because she wanted us to meet the guy she likes and his family. I was cool with that. Last week when she first told me, I got the okay from my hubby Rick and he said it was fine for us to go. However, while we were food shopping before going, he got a phone call from his friend Dylan. Dylan gets in his ear about wanting us to come over at the same time as the dinner we already had planned because he was having a few people over for a BBQ, but he didn’t know I heard that part. I firmly believe in letting my yes mean yes, and my no, no, and Rick goes on and on about how much he believes that too and that it is wrong to agree to do something and then cancel it because something better comes up that one would rather do instead.

 

He tries to convince me that going to my friend’s dinner should be cancelled because he doesn’t feel like being around people he doesn’t know and he doesn’t think I will feel like going when the time comes to go. I told him that I may not feel like going, but I will still go because I gave my word and the last two times we cancelled on my friend (both times were his fault and I wasn’t having it again). Then I went straight to the bush he was trying to beat around by asking if he wants to cancel dinner with her because something came up that he really wants to do. He said yes, that Dylan is having some friends over. I was disappointed in my husband, because Dylan is the same friend that he would rather be with every night instead of going to sleep with me like especially newlyweds should take care to do. In fact, he was over Dylan’s house every night last week, from Sunday to Saturday. If it was anyone else, I would think my husband was gay and having a secret love affair with Dylan the way that they talk on the phone all day and then hang out every night, but I know that’s not the case. Anyway, I told him that he knows what the Scriptures say about what’s right and wrong in that case and the decision was his to make, but I am going to keep my word. He thought about it and reluctantly called Dylan back and told him that we already have plans so we cannot come to the party. Hang in there, I didn’t get to the biggest problem yet.

 

The dinner at my friend’s house was very nice, and we both had fun meeting and talking to the family of the guy she is into. They were down to earth people and I felt really relaxed around them and the guy was introverted but nice. While we were there, Rick asked me if I wanted to go to Dylan’s house for just 30-45 minutes when we leave, and in exchange for that he will stay home every night this week. First of all, it’s a shame that I have to bribe my husband, so to speak, just to get him to come home at night. Anyway, I saw that he wasn’t letting this stupid party go, so I agreed to it.

 

We were there for 2.5 hours! But wait, there’s more. When we first got there, I was having fun like everyone else. There was other mature adults there (not every adult is mature), and as long as they were there for the first hour, things were fine. However, some of the usual suspects that I HATE hanging around started getting louder, the music became questionable, and the atmosphere changed. Needless to say, the mature people left, leaving Rick, Dylan, three wild and crazy women, and me [my leg is starting to shake and tears keep coming to my eyes as I write this part]. I texted Rick that I was ready to go. He said that he will finish his beer and then we can leave, and that he only has a little left. That was fine. I’m growing increasingly uncomfortable and Rick is just going on and on talking with Dylan on the back deck. An hour passes and I get on the phone with my friend to talk to her about how she thought the dinner went and told her that I was over Dylan’s house and was ready to go. I vented to her a little, but that was it. Then I went back around the house to the back deck, and Rick and Dylan weren’t out there. They were inside playing the first hand of Spades with two of the wild and crazy women. That pissed me off because I told him I was ready to go an hour ago and we were supposed to go after having his beer, but now he was starting a long card game. That first time I told him I wanted to go was civil, but this time I told him that it was time to go. I thought I was being respectful in the way that I said it, especially because we were already supposed to be gone a long time ago. So he drinks the last of what I assume is a different beer and we left.

 

As we drive off, we talk about that evening in a pseudo-intellectual way, but that truth is I was pissed off because I don’t know why we have to go to Dylan’s house at his every beck and call and I was also pissed because Rick lied and did not stick to his word about us only being there 30-45 minutes. When we got to the house, he said that we left Dylan in a house with 3 women and that we shouldn’t have done that because Dylan doesn’t trust them and they are the kind to lie and say he tried to do something and get him in trouble. I told him that 1) Dylan needs to be more responsible with the people he invites over his home and I asked why he would choose to associate with people like that. I also said that 2) if Dylan (And Rick, based on a previous discussion we had) feel that these women are questionable, I hope that Rick doesn’t get caught up in some scandal involving lies from those women because of trying to help Dylan not be alone with them. That conversation ended with him leaving to go back over to Dylan’s house to help him not be alone with those women. No, I’m not joking. Once again he chose his friend over me.

 

I spent the time before he came home crying and blowing my nose, wondering why he is always choosing his friends over me and why he can’t be like normal husbands and give me normal headaches about leaving his underwear on the bathroom floor, and eating cheese that falls on the floor. I couldn’t go to sleep at all and I just laid in bed with my eye mask on thinking and praying until I heard him come in. I sounded like he fell in the living room after coming home around 12:30 am and I understood why when he finally came in the room. He was sloppy drunk. That strikes a major chord with me because my father was an alcoholic and he knows that, and he knows how sensitive I am about drunkenness. I hit the roof! He gets in the bed mumbling incoherently to himself and I asked him what he said. He said that he was having weird dreams. I asked him if he just got in the bed (which I knew that he did) and how could he be having weird dreams already. He didn’t answer. I asked him if he was drunk. He slurred that he promises he is not drunk. I texted Dylan to ask if Rick was okay when he left his house, which he still didn’t respond to until this day. Rick saw me on my phone and asked me what I was doing. I told him I was doing something on my phone and to go back to sleep. He got up and laid on the couch butt naked with no blanket and went to sleep. I stayed up until about 2 am reading.

 

He came back to bed more sober than he was when he came home and had the AUDACITY to ask if I was upset. People, I didn’t yell at him and I didn’t curse at him because I believe in doing neither. What I did do was firmly tell him that I am disappointed in him because he chose his friends over being with his wife once again last night, that he sacrificed his body in an attempt to “help” Dylan, that he set a bad example for those “friends” because he got drunk in front of them and that I don’t want him gaining a reputation as a drunkard (or as a hypocrite since we don’t believe in getting drunk), that I was up crying until he got home wondering why he keeps choosing his friends over me, that he hurt me deeply because my father is an alcoholic which he already knew, that I will have to call out of work due to the lack of sleep, and that that worst part is I will probably go through all of this again because he just has to “help” his friend. 

 

Yeah, I gave him the business. He was truly sorry about it and promised (there is that word again) that he would never do something like that again and he knows I don’t want an apology but that’s all he can do and that he should have considered my feelings before he left out. YOU THINK??? I was still pissed off, but I knew I had to let it go, but I made him get up and get ready for work. He just got this job after much tribulation because he is an ex-con and I was not hearing it if his stupid behavior was going to make him lose this job. He went to work, I took another sleeping pill (the one I took the night before never really kicked in because I system was fighting it due to being downhearted and agitated) and went to sleep. When he got home later that morning, he kissed me awake and gave another heartfelt apology, and then another one when I got up about 10 minutes later.

 

I know that my husband is really sorry about what he did, but I am still agitated about it because I feel like the chances are pretty high of a repeat. Why do I say that? Well, I think I have already established a pattern in recent history of Rick only keeping his word as long as it is convenient. Also, as much as Rick goes on and on about how others look at him as a leader, that truth of the matter is that he is a follower. He says he doesn’t like to conform, but when it comes to doing questionable or bad things he will conform with the best of them. Also, when he gets around Dylan, he will pretty much go along with whatever Dylan suggests, but the vice versa can be true too sometimes. They are best friends, but I am convinced that they are not good for each other right now.  Besides, what kind of friend will either encourage you to drunk or quietly sit by and allow you to get drunk? That is not a friend, that is a sabotager who is miserable for whatever reason and wants you to be miserable, too. Furthermore, Rick told me that he was going to give me every night this week, but as we were leaving Dylan’s house, one of those women invited me to her house and I said no (please, I don’t need friends like that), but Rick said he’ll be there. I negated that and shot back, “No he won’t!” As sure as I am sitting here at work supposedly working (but who can work with all of this weighing on their heart and mind?), he will not be going anywhere with anyone Friday night except for me.

 

Let me be very clear about this: I don’t care about any man like my husband. If another person makes him feel uncomfortable for whatever reason, then that’s that because we are one flesh. I have made a number of sacrifices for our marriage to work, but I will not sacrifice my sanity. On the other hand, he has barely sacrificed anything. I feel like I am the one doing all the work in this marriage and things need to change now because I refuse to set the tone that he can do whatever he wants while I clean up after him and hold the household together. Forget that! He needs to do more work than he is doing. When we’ve talked before about him going out to much and spending too much time with Dylan, he will agree and do well for a week, then he’s back over there every night again. And we just talked about him gaining weight for drinking too much beer (though not to the point of drunkenness) and how he needs to cut back and he said he will be careful on Saturday night, but on Sunday night he drinks so much that he gets drunk.

 

If you’re trying to figure him, an important key is that he has ODD and ADHD. Well, ODD is a childhood diagnosis and as an adult it turns into a personality disorder, but ADHD applies to both children and adults. Seriously though, he doesn’t like to listen to people including me, but he will listen to his friends, which explains why he has to touch the fire to see if it’s hot, so to speak, instead of taking someone’s word for it. He also has seriously impulse control issues which explains why he has a terribly difficult time putting his id on lockdown and doing what he knows is right as opposed to whatever makes him feel good in the moment. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if he would cheat on me in the right circumstances because his impulses are so strong and ridiculous. He says he would never do that and if he had a normal person’s brain I would believe him, but he doesn’t. It’s not something I’m worried about, but I keep that thought in the back of my mind, sort of bracing myself for the news. Anyway, he wants to spend all of our money on himself, only thinks about what he needs (and everything is a not, not a want, with him) and doesn’t really care about what I need.

 

Do I regret being married to this man-child? HECK YES!!! What kind of woman wants a man like that? I would rather be single than be married to him. I love him to pieces, but he doesn’t know how to love me back and doesn’t seem interested in learning how when I try to tell and show him. That’s the problem. For him, love is an emotion. When it goes from a feeling to being practical, he is out of his element and resents it. But it’s not all his fault because I ignored some pretty hefty warning signs while we were dating. I guess I figured that he went through a lot as a kid and young adult, way more that the average person, so he just needed a lot of love and patience, but now I see that I underestimated his mental problem and I am no match for it. I am sick and tired already. You’d think we were an old married couple, but he has already put me through so much.

 

We would have addressed this problem a long time ago by taking him to see a psychiatrist so he can get some drugs or something, but he doesn’t have health insurance. So that is why not a half hour ago I called a company that offers pro-bono counseling services where we live. I gave Rick their number to call a few months ago, but it took him a few weeks to call and then I heard nothing else about it. Once again, I have to do everything. I called and spoke to Shirley and felt a little better by just explaining to her why I was calling and what the problem was. I told her what we make annually and she said that we qualify for pro bono counseling, but she needs to speak to Rick first. No problem. I was so excited that I gave my first genuine smile since “the incident” and zealously texted Rick to give him all the information and call him. As for Dylan, I pray to God that he returns my text from Sunday night (really Monday morning) or calls to ask me about it so I can give him an earful, too. I will tell him straight up that he and Van need to be better friends to one another because real friends don’t let one another get drunk, that if he is uncomfortable being around those women then he shouldn’t have invited them to his home, and that he needs to evaluate if he has a drinking problem if he cannot be in a social setting or with Rick without a drink (that last point is true of Rick, too).

 

Here is something else that Rick needs to consider: Yeah, we can hang out with friends and everything, but it needs to be in a responsible manner and it cannot be at the same frequency as when we were single. All of his friends are single, but he is not, so he cannot do what they do. Speaking frankly, we all are of the same religion, but if they want to be hypocrites, so be it. I am only concerned about my husband, and I know he earnestly wants to do what is right, it’s just that his condition makes him short sighted. Along those same lines, he has no hindsight, foresight, or insight, so I have to tell him things that the average person doesn’t need to be told. For example, at one point we were borrowing money a lot, which we both hate doing, because he kept spending it all. However, I learned that I needed to point out to him, for example, that his choice is to either spend $16 of our gas money on a case of beer for the house and borrow gas money to put it back until we get paid again, or to forego buying beer and leave the gas money for gas. I am so not kidding.

 

It’s too late for me since I don’t believe in divorce except for if he cheats, but if I could tell one thing to a single person that they won’t listen to is to stay single. The reason I know that they won’t listen is because I didn’t listen when married women told me the same thing. I’m sorry, but after this marriage I will never be married to another man again. I know that Rick is a man times 5 because of his mental problem, but I have talked to other wives and they all have some kind of issue with their husbands and controlling his impulses. I just don’t want someone that I have to babysit, and that’s pretty much all men, so I’m just going to be content being single. There are no perfect men out there and they all are so stupid. It would have to be an act of God to prove me wrong and get me to remarry.

 

The advice that I have that single people may listen to is to not marry anyone with an untreated mental disorder. I always thought ADHD wasn’t a big issue, like dyslexia or something like that, where it didn’t necessarily affect the person’s personality. However, it is a major issue that will rock your marriage to its core. I also thought of the kid bouncing off the walls like that bird who is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, but those kids grow up, and if they never seek treatment they become energetic, selfish, scatter-brained, egotistical, and impulsive adults. Add to that a personality disorder and you are asking for a disaster of a marriage. I  try so hard to look for the positive traits about my husband and remember the things I love about him, but he keeps doing so many stupid things that the good things about him kinda get lost in the jumble.

 

Anyway, I have prayed to God so much since “the incident” to help me to move past it, but my emotions are still on edge and I am still angry about what happened because of the other characters’ inactivity to look out for their “friend”, Rick. If I had it my way, Rick wouldn’t see any of these so-called friends ever again; we’d be living in Canada somewhere so that visiting will be very difficult, and if I really did move to Canada, I would never come to the states again.

 

After writing this rant, I do feel a lot better, but if Rick asks if I want to talk some more about what happened, I am going to mention to him the parts about how real friends have your back, how they are all single and he is not (by the way, Dylan is divorced, one of the women is divorced, and another one of the other women is separated from her second husband. As a married woman, I would not have close association with people like that because their marriages are a failure and they can directly or indirectly try to influence my marriage to make it a failure, too. It happens all the time), and my concerns about a repeat because he thinks he is a leader, but he is really a follower who goes along with the popular choice. If he bucks, I am going to ask him why he got married if he still wanted to behave like a single man, and an irresponsible one at that.

 

And I didn’t mention this, but that fool drove himself him drunk. That car is in MY name, and he could have seriously injured himself or others. If something would have happened, I think they would have had to commit me. I’m hanging on by a thread as it is thanks to him.

 

I just need this week to be over. However, the weekend is the most dangerous time for him because that is when people want to do things with us. I don’t have a problem saying no to things people invite me to if I don’t want to do it or if the association is bad. As for Friday, if he seriously tries to leave to go to that gathering over that woman’s house that may be the last thing he tries to do. Lord knows I may black out and come to with the paramedics and police over my house trying to figure out where all that blood came from. 

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Wow, that's sad. But, you already know the answer: "...why he got married if he still wanted to behave like a single man, and an irresponsible one at that." The only possible hope is that he actually doesn't realise how irresponsible and hurtful he is being. Lay it on the line, black and white, in a way that cannot be misunderstood, that partnerships require compromise and commitment. If he cannot make that commitment to you and is not prepared to compromise, get rid of him because it won't get any better and you have your own life to live.

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